On my radio show, Oct 7, 2009, I had the opportunity to interview Russell Freidman, author of The Grief Recovery Handbook.  Russell was the grief expert who appeared on CNN after 911.  Here is a story from Russell's book that illustrates how we have been taught to keep from being authentic and speaking our truth.

"When John's son Cole was eight years old, he and his pals would play baseball in the front yard.  John taught the boys to position themselves sideways along the front of the house, so that if they missed the ball, it would not break a window.  All went well until one fine day the little boys forgot.  Cole unleashed one and smash went the neighbor's picture window. 

Upon arriving home, John asked Cole to tell him the truth about the window.  Cole explained, as only an eight-year-old can, how the ball happened to break the window.  Honking horns, barking dogs, and flashing sunlight all contributed to the drama - plus the fact that Cole and his buddies had forgotten to play across the front of the house rather than toward it.

In the middle of the story, John realized that he had stopped listening and started planning Cole's punishment in his mind.  Alarmed by his own thoughts, John asked Cole to take a break and go out and play for a while.  John looked heavenward and asked this question: God, where would I get the idea that I want my son, whom I love, to associate telling me the truth with getting punished?  And in a flash, John had his answer.  The image of John's dad popped up in his mind's eye as clear as crystal.

John realized that he had just discovered another piece of unfinished emotional business with his own father.  He got a pad and pen and wrote:

     Dad, I was just listening to my son, who I adore more than I can say.  He is one of the grandchildren you never got to meet.  As he told me the truth about an event with a ball and a window, I stopped listening to him and started preparing his punishment.  But that didn't feel right to me.  So I have been doing some soul searching.  I have just had a revelation - that by the time I was his age, I had long since stopped telling you the truth.  Every time I told you the truth, you punished me, and you punished me hard and hurtfully.

     Dad, I do not want my son to associate truth with punishment.  I have to break the cycle set up by what you did to me.  I have to forgive you for hurting me every time I told you the truth.  I forgive you so I can be free to do things differently with my son.  I forgive you so I can be totally free to tell the truth and live the truth and encourage my son to do the same.

     I have to go now.  I love you.  Good-bye Dad."

For more information about how you can let go of behaviors that no longer serve you, visit Russell Friedman's website at: www.grief.net.